snowglobe is shaken

Most days, when i set out to do something, it always ends up different than how i expected. No matter what.

But today definitely takes the cake.

Details of what happened will be at the bottom of this post so that you can see the point of this blog right away. But to make a long story short, I jumped off a cliff into a lake today from about 30 feet high, wasn't prepared, inhaled water, freaked out, and thought I was going to drown.
Then I lost my keys and a friend had to drop off my spare keys for me, and I wouldn't have been able to contact them if a girl hadn't let me borrow her phone. Thank god she did. Seriously. No one knew where I was except the friend I had taken with me.
After I caught my breath as I finally began the drive home, the essence of the day finally sunk in. And I realized some of the most significant things of my life.

Even if your worst fears come true, you'll still be okay.

Drowning and heights had never really been my biggest fears, but in the moment I was experiencing them, they were. And in this moment, I am okay. I made it. I'm safe. And now when I think about my real biggest fears - including being sent to live in an insane asylum and becoming a housewife - i'm no longer gripped with the same horror. I know I could take it, that I would make it, that even if it was terrible, I would be capable of thinking and finding a way out - or making peace. I know that I would be okay.

I also learned how a new experience like that can really shake you up. I've been feeling this really fucked up settling feeling, shifting in a way i did NOT like because i felt like a snowglobe that all the little sparkles were finally starting to just sink dully to the bottom. Today definitely gave my snowglobe a shake. All the things that were bothering me before are fine now. I mean, i could have drowned. whatever else is going on, it's okay.

I don't think i've ever felt as down-to-earth in my life. The weird thing is I've been getting the visual in my head for a long time now of me saying goodbye to my friends and jumping off of a cliff into the water. When I went to the quarry today it didn't even occur to me until after that in a way that vision came true. Crazy stuff man.

NON-QUARRY RELATED LESSON:
My best friend is really into astrology. I am a Virgo, and she was telling me today that the meaning of the sign of Virgo is all about becoming complete in your individuality so you can put yourself out into the world. i realized that i need to focus on working on myself and becoming satisfied with who I am instead of trying to find ways for other people to complete me, like relationships. A relationship would be pointless for me right now because i feel the NEED to be in a relationship. And how far can a relationship really go if it's based on a need? What if the guy I was with stopped giving me the needs I was depending on him for? Depending on someone else to make you happy, as we're all told at some point, is fruitless. It's okay to have that kind of learning experience, but the real beauty of a relationship isn't possible unless both people are ready for it. And right now, i can see that it would be much more satisfying to love myself than to cling to someone else.

I hope this helps somebody!!!!

Now for the story:

I took my best friend to the quarries today, I was told that when you land in the water from the cliffs, you pretty much start floating back up as soon as you get underwater, but i didn't. Everyone else had stayed underwater for only a second, but i know i was under for much longer than that. To make matters even more interesting, i had screamed the most sincere scream of my life on the way down and was fresh out of air, and my mouth was open so I felt like I had water in my lungs or something, or maybe it came in through my nose, I don't know, but DAMN! I kept waiting for my head to break through the surface of the water but it didn't I wasn't sure if I was floating up or sinking. All I knew was that i really, really needed to breathe and I wasn't sure how much longer i could hold it. and then, just like that, i felt the air on my face and breathed, and coughed, and wheezed my way back to the shore. Everyone was staring at me. Someone told me later they thought I was drowning, but no one did anything. I'm not sure if they would have if I was in serious trouble. I guess people die there a lot.
Word of advice: Start from smaller cliffs first even if you feel like an idiot. It's not worth scaring the crap out of yourself for.

breakthroughs

Tonight I made two important discoveries. The first one was that I can let go of this urgent need to feel connected to other people and just be satisfied with being myself, and how this is so incredibly satisfying. Not completely there yet but it's a step in a direction that feels right.
The second is bound to change me drastically, at least in the way I live my life internally. The discovery I was gifted was that my mind is not enough to figure everything out. My life path, my mission, my truth, won't come just from my mind itself. I can't think my way onto my path and destiny. I'm starting to understand the true meaning of surrender.. at least at a different level than before. It's becoming a reality.
I've been putting a lot of stress on myself over the last few years or so trying to delve into myself and understand everything and get to the root of things and figure out what i was supposed to be doing and where i'm supposed to be. It's gotten me to a really incredible place in my life and it feels right, it feels wonderful. yet i haven't figured out anything that i had set out to. i have a few vague ideas that came from actually exploring different things, but not from the thinking itself, you know?? Bottom line is that it's time for me to surrender to the powers that be and flow with life instead of constantly trying to make things happen. Let the thinking part come naturally instead of forcing it. now it's time to let things fall into place.
I also realized today that i now have the rest of my life to do whatever i want, and there is absolutely nothing stopping me.

WELCOME!

I'm so glad to finally be starting this blog. I've been meaning to for a long time. I'm not sure what will come of it. My intention is to create a space for people to really get into themselves and the world for deeper understanding on every level, looking at things from every angle. Mainly, I want to give people who want to get off their mind-couches a place to do so.

Other than that, whatever comes of this blog is great. There are no rules here. I ask for everyone to be as honest and unrestricted as possible, and to say what you really actually mean - the internal voice that's yours and not your mothers or something - it's not a stage to see who's the smartest or some crazy shit like that. I don't care if you're smart or not. I care that you share with us exactly how you see a certain situation because it's probably a lot more true than you ever realized.

I'm in a crunch for time right now so I'll post some topics later. Until then, lots of love!