Rant time.
Contra dancing tonight made me realize that guilt is sometimes really unnecessary.
This guy who I don't particularly like has asked me to contra dance with him like a million times and I'm not comfortable with him, so tonight when he asked, I danced with him but at the end I tried to be as curt as possible and get away before he asked me for a second dance (they sometimes do). I said "thank you" and gave a little bow and started to walk away. Problem was, he never let go of my hand. It was obnoxious. He grabbed tight on to my hand and followed me halfway across the floor. I got my hand out but then he grabbed my FINGER. My FINGER! Holy shit dude! Like the tip of my pointer finger. So I yanked my hand away and then he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he has this aghast, bewildered, utterly offended expression on his face. He looked appalled. It was a bit of an overreaction I think. He was like, Thank you, so I said thank you again, then he just repeated himself and intensified his expression. I said, "I have to find my friend. It's nothing personal." and walked away. He was still staring at me.
So I went into the bathroom and began to feel guilty. It's contra dancing. So what if he wanted to dance. So what if I don't like him. It's contra dance, not speed dating, I shouldn't feel so offended by him! and I felt really, really guilty. I was ready to give him an all-out apology. So then I found my friend, my best friend, and I told her about it. She was like, "yeah you didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with that." and we agreed that him grabbing my hand like that was a lot more rude than me not sticking around to chat with him after a contra dance. Then I didn't feel guilty.. And you know, I asked myself if I had just justified something wrong that I did and that I should actually still feel guilty.
.. because I had intentionally been rude, and I was completely aware of it. I did it on purpose even though I knew it was "wrong". So what I decided today is that my rudeness is a part of who I am and I love it. I really am rude. I really am a jerk. I have that in me. I care more about doing what I want than not hurting people's feelings and even if I act differently, it's still true. I thought of all the times my parents flipped their biscuits over me being rude or disrespectful to whoever and I decided that there was no need for that. If someone gets on your nerves and you have no way out, just be rude. It's okay. You have my fucking permission. It's like standing up for yourself. It's saying, "shut the fuck up." and people can just deal with that. If someone's going to be so emotionally scarred by you being rude to them, then it's really their problem and not yours.
I've really, REALLY been into the concept of looking into your shadow-self {the hidden side of yourself that you've rejected) and integrating your "dark side". It's been kind of stressful because there's a lot of stuff about me that's really hard for me to look at but look at tonight.. I turned an aspect of myself I'd felt guilty about before into something that I really value and respect. Those rude middle-aged mothers at the grocery store complaining about prices or slow service? Who cares! They're pissed off, so let them be. At least they're being real, they're being straight-up, and that's what's valuable.
Next time you're rude, don't beat yourself up over it. Pat yourself on the back for not faking yourself.
