I'm really curious how an outsider would view my life, because right now I feel like it's in shambles. I feel like I've messed up in every way I could have, at least almost. My physical health is reflecting the intense stress I've been experiencing and collecting the past few weeks. And I don't know about anyone else but it's really hard to hold my head high and feel good about myself when I can see all the screwups I've accomplished.
Gah! All I want to do is make art and run around in the woods. (basically). Yet I feel like I've landed in all kinds of ridiculous situations that are in no way aligned with my truth, purpose, path, love, etc.. How did this happen?? It seems I've meticulously manifested an adorable variety of self-destructive circumstances to waddle through while my dreams and ambitions are watching grass grow as they wait for me to snap out of it and get real.
So I finally dragged myself into the woods and asked for help. And the answer I got will stay with me a long time. Just let it go. All the stress and the angst - release it, give it away to the Earth, your guides, just surrender it and keep on with life, be present. Just let it go, and "we'll" take care of the rest.
The reality? I know my troubles are petty. My life is fairly straightforward as far as what needs to be done. My stress is valid but it only means I need to look at how I'm living my life and see what I need to change to be more align with my truth. How did all these circumstances happen into my life? I coaxed them along every step of the way! How do you ACCIDENTALLY end up in college and mess up a group project, you know?Other things, like coworkers hating my guts and wanting me to fall off a cliff.. Seriously, there's real value in that and I know it and I've known it all along. I'm being given an opportunity to learn how to stick up for myself, to not just be a pansy my whole life.
My dreams, my destiny, etc.? I'm living it now! My path itself is such an incredible wonder that there's no need to curse any part of the path, even the parts that are unpleasant. I'm where I need to be right now and I'm learning so much all the time. And, now is the PERFECT time to get started on making my dreams come true, BECAUSE my life is so hectic. If I can make it happen now, then I know I really want it and can make it happen ANYTIME, no matter WHAT, so help me Universe.
So am I really in shambles?
Still yes.
exhaaallleeeeeee.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Intuition and Spiritual Life
My inner life has always been much more interesting than the life that the world sees me half-heartedly participate in. But that's changing now. I'm taking some new steps in my life right now on many different levels and I can tell you right now, I never would have seen this coming. The inner change I'm experiencing is nothing I could have imagined before. I feel a security and a groundedness that was never there before. As I face life and say yes, I can see now that a lot of the inner dilemmas I created for myself are obsolete and irrelevant. They had their value when I gave them life, but in the face of paying for college and being on time for class, turning 19 and thinking again about selling art, a lot of my old crap is just evaporating. I'm left with what really matters to me and an openness to get my face out of books and into real life. ( i still read, but i read with more than just my mind now, and I only read what feeds my soul and creativity).
Why am I sharing this??? I don't know! I love to talk about myself. and I love the idea of getting my ideas out into the world in some way for a number of reasons. Mainly, I know that I am not the only one who has this kind of experiences. Most people who meet me would never guess. I act however I want in order to get what I want out of any given situation. But back to my point.. For my sake and yours and for whoever's, I want to give us all the opportunity to connect at a real level. What I write here is what I mean to say, and when you speak from your truth, your truth will speak to others' truth.. etc.
One thing about me that's been consistent my whole life is that I'm obsessive. When I catch onto an idea, I take the ball and run with it. Now, inspired by a book called "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (look it up!), my new passion is intuition.
What strikes me about intuition is that it is more than just a tool. Mastering your personality is a tool. Knowing how to meditate is a tool. Balancing your chakras is a tool. Shit, a hammer is a tool. Intuition is a commitment, a way of life. It's a living, breathing being in and of itself. It's like, that voice that you don't even realize is there anymore, that voice that makes you shake your head because you ignored it and made a big mistake, it becomes your biggest ally. And when you start to listen to your intuition, you realize that a lot of the answers that you needed were right there, and situations that used to be baffling and stressful are so fucking simple.
And since intuition is, obviously, intuitive.. it adds another dimension to your life. It gives you the ability to "just know" things, and then there's more to your life than going through the motions and getting enough money and doing what your parents expect you to do. The only catch is that you have to listen to it and follow it even if it's harder than just "going back to sleep." But when you choose to show up, and show up as yourself, you gain power. So, intuition.. this one's here to stay.
But yeah I was thinking about how so many of my inner struggles just expired, and i was thinking about kids who say they're spiritual but do nothing but sabotage themselves and think about things, and i was thinking about my own spirituality and i realized that what i've read in a million books is true... your spiritual life needs a foundation that can stand the great outdoors. If you read whimsical books and delicately weigh spiritual concepts in your mind, your boss will still piss you off. if you read about the shadow self and vaguely consider all the ill-placed judgements you and your dog have, fuck it, it doesn't do anything. you don't even know what you're doing. you can chant a mantra and that's nice, you can go to a church or a mountaintop and do whatever but when real life comes at you, it's gone. Until you are connected to your truth and your inner voice and have a presence and awareness for what you're actually experiencing, anything spiritual life you try to build for yourself will just blow away in the wind. That's why intuition is special.. it comes with you no matter what.
Lol, I always feel like my blogs sound really corny. I wonder if I should just write the way I talk. It would probably be a lot more natural and relatable... but this is how I write!! I think it's all those years of being graded on papers.
Why am I sharing this??? I don't know! I love to talk about myself. and I love the idea of getting my ideas out into the world in some way for a number of reasons. Mainly, I know that I am not the only one who has this kind of experiences. Most people who meet me would never guess. I act however I want in order to get what I want out of any given situation. But back to my point.. For my sake and yours and for whoever's, I want to give us all the opportunity to connect at a real level. What I write here is what I mean to say, and when you speak from your truth, your truth will speak to others' truth.. etc.
One thing about me that's been consistent my whole life is that I'm obsessive. When I catch onto an idea, I take the ball and run with it. Now, inspired by a book called "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (look it up!), my new passion is intuition.
What strikes me about intuition is that it is more than just a tool. Mastering your personality is a tool. Knowing how to meditate is a tool. Balancing your chakras is a tool. Shit, a hammer is a tool. Intuition is a commitment, a way of life. It's a living, breathing being in and of itself. It's like, that voice that you don't even realize is there anymore, that voice that makes you shake your head because you ignored it and made a big mistake, it becomes your biggest ally. And when you start to listen to your intuition, you realize that a lot of the answers that you needed were right there, and situations that used to be baffling and stressful are so fucking simple.
And since intuition is, obviously, intuitive.. it adds another dimension to your life. It gives you the ability to "just know" things, and then there's more to your life than going through the motions and getting enough money and doing what your parents expect you to do. The only catch is that you have to listen to it and follow it even if it's harder than just "going back to sleep." But when you choose to show up, and show up as yourself, you gain power. So, intuition.. this one's here to stay.
But yeah I was thinking about how so many of my inner struggles just expired, and i was thinking about kids who say they're spiritual but do nothing but sabotage themselves and think about things, and i was thinking about my own spirituality and i realized that what i've read in a million books is true... your spiritual life needs a foundation that can stand the great outdoors. If you read whimsical books and delicately weigh spiritual concepts in your mind, your boss will still piss you off. if you read about the shadow self and vaguely consider all the ill-placed judgements you and your dog have, fuck it, it doesn't do anything. you don't even know what you're doing. you can chant a mantra and that's nice, you can go to a church or a mountaintop and do whatever but when real life comes at you, it's gone. Until you are connected to your truth and your inner voice and have a presence and awareness for what you're actually experiencing, anything spiritual life you try to build for yourself will just blow away in the wind. That's why intuition is special.. it comes with you no matter what.
Lol, I always feel like my blogs sound really corny. I wonder if I should just write the way I talk. It would probably be a lot more natural and relatable... but this is how I write!! I think it's all those years of being graded on papers.
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