I'm really curious how an outsider would view my life, because right now I feel like it's in shambles. I feel like I've messed up in every way I could have, at least almost. My physical health is reflecting the intense stress I've been experiencing and collecting the past few weeks. And I don't know about anyone else but it's really hard to hold my head high and feel good about myself when I can see all the screwups I've accomplished.
Gah! All I want to do is make art and run around in the woods. (basically). Yet I feel like I've landed in all kinds of ridiculous situations that are in no way aligned with my truth, purpose, path, love, etc.. How did this happen?? It seems I've meticulously manifested an adorable variety of self-destructive circumstances to waddle through while my dreams and ambitions are watching grass grow as they wait for me to snap out of it and get real.
So I finally dragged myself into the woods and asked for help. And the answer I got will stay with me a long time. Just let it go. All the stress and the angst - release it, give it away to the Earth, your guides, just surrender it and keep on with life, be present. Just let it go, and "we'll" take care of the rest.
The reality? I know my troubles are petty. My life is fairly straightforward as far as what needs to be done. My stress is valid but it only means I need to look at how I'm living my life and see what I need to change to be more align with my truth. How did all these circumstances happen into my life? I coaxed them along every step of the way! How do you ACCIDENTALLY end up in college and mess up a group project, you know?Other things, like coworkers hating my guts and wanting me to fall off a cliff.. Seriously, there's real value in that and I know it and I've known it all along. I'm being given an opportunity to learn how to stick up for myself, to not just be a pansy my whole life.
My dreams, my destiny, etc.? I'm living it now! My path itself is such an incredible wonder that there's no need to curse any part of the path, even the parts that are unpleasant. I'm where I need to be right now and I'm learning so much all the time. And, now is the PERFECT time to get started on making my dreams come true, BECAUSE my life is so hectic. If I can make it happen now, then I know I really want it and can make it happen ANYTIME, no matter WHAT, so help me Universe.
So am I really in shambles?
Still yes.
exhaaallleeeeeee.
Okay, that's enough of that.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Intuition and Spiritual Life
My inner life has always been much more interesting than the life that the world sees me half-heartedly participate in. But that's changing now. I'm taking some new steps in my life right now on many different levels and I can tell you right now, I never would have seen this coming. The inner change I'm experiencing is nothing I could have imagined before. I feel a security and a groundedness that was never there before. As I face life and say yes, I can see now that a lot of the inner dilemmas I created for myself are obsolete and irrelevant. They had their value when I gave them life, but in the face of paying for college and being on time for class, turning 19 and thinking again about selling art, a lot of my old crap is just evaporating. I'm left with what really matters to me and an openness to get my face out of books and into real life. ( i still read, but i read with more than just my mind now, and I only read what feeds my soul and creativity).
Why am I sharing this??? I don't know! I love to talk about myself. and I love the idea of getting my ideas out into the world in some way for a number of reasons. Mainly, I know that I am not the only one who has this kind of experiences. Most people who meet me would never guess. I act however I want in order to get what I want out of any given situation. But back to my point.. For my sake and yours and for whoever's, I want to give us all the opportunity to connect at a real level. What I write here is what I mean to say, and when you speak from your truth, your truth will speak to others' truth.. etc.
One thing about me that's been consistent my whole life is that I'm obsessive. When I catch onto an idea, I take the ball and run with it. Now, inspired by a book called "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (look it up!), my new passion is intuition.
What strikes me about intuition is that it is more than just a tool. Mastering your personality is a tool. Knowing how to meditate is a tool. Balancing your chakras is a tool. Shit, a hammer is a tool. Intuition is a commitment, a way of life. It's a living, breathing being in and of itself. It's like, that voice that you don't even realize is there anymore, that voice that makes you shake your head because you ignored it and made a big mistake, it becomes your biggest ally. And when you start to listen to your intuition, you realize that a lot of the answers that you needed were right there, and situations that used to be baffling and stressful are so fucking simple.
And since intuition is, obviously, intuitive.. it adds another dimension to your life. It gives you the ability to "just know" things, and then there's more to your life than going through the motions and getting enough money and doing what your parents expect you to do. The only catch is that you have to listen to it and follow it even if it's harder than just "going back to sleep." But when you choose to show up, and show up as yourself, you gain power. So, intuition.. this one's here to stay.
But yeah I was thinking about how so many of my inner struggles just expired, and i was thinking about kids who say they're spiritual but do nothing but sabotage themselves and think about things, and i was thinking about my own spirituality and i realized that what i've read in a million books is true... your spiritual life needs a foundation that can stand the great outdoors. If you read whimsical books and delicately weigh spiritual concepts in your mind, your boss will still piss you off. if you read about the shadow self and vaguely consider all the ill-placed judgements you and your dog have, fuck it, it doesn't do anything. you don't even know what you're doing. you can chant a mantra and that's nice, you can go to a church or a mountaintop and do whatever but when real life comes at you, it's gone. Until you are connected to your truth and your inner voice and have a presence and awareness for what you're actually experiencing, anything spiritual life you try to build for yourself will just blow away in the wind. That's why intuition is special.. it comes with you no matter what.
Lol, I always feel like my blogs sound really corny. I wonder if I should just write the way I talk. It would probably be a lot more natural and relatable... but this is how I write!! I think it's all those years of being graded on papers.
Why am I sharing this??? I don't know! I love to talk about myself. and I love the idea of getting my ideas out into the world in some way for a number of reasons. Mainly, I know that I am not the only one who has this kind of experiences. Most people who meet me would never guess. I act however I want in order to get what I want out of any given situation. But back to my point.. For my sake and yours and for whoever's, I want to give us all the opportunity to connect at a real level. What I write here is what I mean to say, and when you speak from your truth, your truth will speak to others' truth.. etc.
One thing about me that's been consistent my whole life is that I'm obsessive. When I catch onto an idea, I take the ball and run with it. Now, inspired by a book called "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (look it up!), my new passion is intuition.
What strikes me about intuition is that it is more than just a tool. Mastering your personality is a tool. Knowing how to meditate is a tool. Balancing your chakras is a tool. Shit, a hammer is a tool. Intuition is a commitment, a way of life. It's a living, breathing being in and of itself. It's like, that voice that you don't even realize is there anymore, that voice that makes you shake your head because you ignored it and made a big mistake, it becomes your biggest ally. And when you start to listen to your intuition, you realize that a lot of the answers that you needed were right there, and situations that used to be baffling and stressful are so fucking simple.
And since intuition is, obviously, intuitive.. it adds another dimension to your life. It gives you the ability to "just know" things, and then there's more to your life than going through the motions and getting enough money and doing what your parents expect you to do. The only catch is that you have to listen to it and follow it even if it's harder than just "going back to sleep." But when you choose to show up, and show up as yourself, you gain power. So, intuition.. this one's here to stay.
But yeah I was thinking about how so many of my inner struggles just expired, and i was thinking about kids who say they're spiritual but do nothing but sabotage themselves and think about things, and i was thinking about my own spirituality and i realized that what i've read in a million books is true... your spiritual life needs a foundation that can stand the great outdoors. If you read whimsical books and delicately weigh spiritual concepts in your mind, your boss will still piss you off. if you read about the shadow self and vaguely consider all the ill-placed judgements you and your dog have, fuck it, it doesn't do anything. you don't even know what you're doing. you can chant a mantra and that's nice, you can go to a church or a mountaintop and do whatever but when real life comes at you, it's gone. Until you are connected to your truth and your inner voice and have a presence and awareness for what you're actually experiencing, anything spiritual life you try to build for yourself will just blow away in the wind. That's why intuition is special.. it comes with you no matter what.
Lol, I always feel like my blogs sound really corny. I wonder if I should just write the way I talk. It would probably be a lot more natural and relatable... but this is how I write!! I think it's all those years of being graded on papers.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Guilt and rudeness
Rant time.
Contra dancing tonight made me realize that guilt is sometimes really unnecessary.
This guy who I don't particularly like has asked me to contra dance with him like a million times and I'm not comfortable with him, so tonight when he asked, I danced with him but at the end I tried to be as curt as possible and get away before he asked me for a second dance (they sometimes do). I said "thank you" and gave a little bow and started to walk away. Problem was, he never let go of my hand. It was obnoxious. He grabbed tight on to my hand and followed me halfway across the floor. I got my hand out but then he grabbed my FINGER. My FINGER! Holy shit dude! Like the tip of my pointer finger. So I yanked my hand away and then he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he has this aghast, bewildered, utterly offended expression on his face. He looked appalled. It was a bit of an overreaction I think. He was like, Thank you, so I said thank you again, then he just repeated himself and intensified his expression. I said, "I have to find my friend. It's nothing personal." and walked away. He was still staring at me.
So I went into the bathroom and began to feel guilty. It's contra dancing. So what if he wanted to dance. So what if I don't like him. It's contra dance, not speed dating, I shouldn't feel so offended by him! and I felt really, really guilty. I was ready to give him an all-out apology. So then I found my friend, my best friend, and I told her about it. She was like, "yeah you didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with that." and we agreed that him grabbing my hand like that was a lot more rude than me not sticking around to chat with him after a contra dance. Then I didn't feel guilty.. And you know, I asked myself if I had just justified something wrong that I did and that I should actually still feel guilty.
.. because I had intentionally been rude, and I was completely aware of it. I did it on purpose even though I knew it was "wrong". So what I decided today is that my rudeness is a part of who I am and I love it. I really am rude. I really am a jerk. I have that in me. I care more about doing what I want than not hurting people's feelings and even if I act differently, it's still true. I thought of all the times my parents flipped their biscuits over me being rude or disrespectful to whoever and I decided that there was no need for that. If someone gets on your nerves and you have no way out, just be rude. It's okay. You have my fucking permission. It's like standing up for yourself. It's saying, "shut the fuck up." and people can just deal with that. If someone's going to be so emotionally scarred by you being rude to them, then it's really their problem and not yours.
I've really, REALLY been into the concept of looking into your shadow-self {the hidden side of yourself that you've rejected) and integrating your "dark side". It's been kind of stressful because there's a lot of stuff about me that's really hard for me to look at but look at tonight.. I turned an aspect of myself I'd felt guilty about before into something that I really value and respect. Those rude middle-aged mothers at the grocery store complaining about prices or slow service? Who cares! They're pissed off, so let them be. At least they're being real, they're being straight-up, and that's what's valuable.
Next time you're rude, don't beat yourself up over it. Pat yourself on the back for not faking yourself.
Contra dancing tonight made me realize that guilt is sometimes really unnecessary.
This guy who I don't particularly like has asked me to contra dance with him like a million times and I'm not comfortable with him, so tonight when he asked, I danced with him but at the end I tried to be as curt as possible and get away before he asked me for a second dance (they sometimes do). I said "thank you" and gave a little bow and started to walk away. Problem was, he never let go of my hand. It was obnoxious. He grabbed tight on to my hand and followed me halfway across the floor. I got my hand out but then he grabbed my FINGER. My FINGER! Holy shit dude! Like the tip of my pointer finger. So I yanked my hand away and then he tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he has this aghast, bewildered, utterly offended expression on his face. He looked appalled. It was a bit of an overreaction I think. He was like, Thank you, so I said thank you again, then he just repeated himself and intensified his expression. I said, "I have to find my friend. It's nothing personal." and walked away. He was still staring at me.
So I went into the bathroom and began to feel guilty. It's contra dancing. So what if he wanted to dance. So what if I don't like him. It's contra dance, not speed dating, I shouldn't feel so offended by him! and I felt really, really guilty. I was ready to give him an all-out apology. So then I found my friend, my best friend, and I told her about it. She was like, "yeah you didn't do anything wrong. There was nothing wrong with that." and we agreed that him grabbing my hand like that was a lot more rude than me not sticking around to chat with him after a contra dance. Then I didn't feel guilty.. And you know, I asked myself if I had just justified something wrong that I did and that I should actually still feel guilty.
.. because I had intentionally been rude, and I was completely aware of it. I did it on purpose even though I knew it was "wrong". So what I decided today is that my rudeness is a part of who I am and I love it. I really am rude. I really am a jerk. I have that in me. I care more about doing what I want than not hurting people's feelings and even if I act differently, it's still true. I thought of all the times my parents flipped their biscuits over me being rude or disrespectful to whoever and I decided that there was no need for that. If someone gets on your nerves and you have no way out, just be rude. It's okay. You have my fucking permission. It's like standing up for yourself. It's saying, "shut the fuck up." and people can just deal with that. If someone's going to be so emotionally scarred by you being rude to them, then it's really their problem and not yours.
I've really, REALLY been into the concept of looking into your shadow-self {the hidden side of yourself that you've rejected) and integrating your "dark side". It's been kind of stressful because there's a lot of stuff about me that's really hard for me to look at but look at tonight.. I turned an aspect of myself I'd felt guilty about before into something that I really value and respect. Those rude middle-aged mothers at the grocery store complaining about prices or slow service? Who cares! They're pissed off, so let them be. At least they're being real, they're being straight-up, and that's what's valuable.
Next time you're rude, don't beat yourself up over it. Pat yourself on the back for not faking yourself.
Friday, June 18, 2010
snowglobe is shaken
Most days, when i set out to do something, it always ends up different than how i expected. No matter what.
But today definitely takes the cake.
Details of what happened will be at the bottom of this post so that you can see the point of this blog right away. But to make a long story short, I jumped off a cliff into a lake today from about 30 feet high, wasn't prepared, inhaled water, freaked out, and thought I was going to drown.
Then I lost my keys and a friend had to drop off my spare keys for me, and I wouldn't have been able to contact them if a girl hadn't let me borrow her phone. Thank god she did. Seriously. No one knew where I was except the friend I had taken with me.
After I caught my breath as I finally began the drive home, the essence of the day finally sunk in. And I realized some of the most significant things of my life.
Even if your worst fears come true, you'll still be okay.
Drowning and heights had never really been my biggest fears, but in the moment I was experiencing them, they were. And in this moment, I am okay. I made it. I'm safe. And now when I think about my real biggest fears - including being sent to live in an insane asylum and becoming a housewife - i'm no longer gripped with the same horror. I know I could take it, that I would make it, that even if it was terrible, I would be capable of thinking and finding a way out - or making peace. I know that I would be okay.
I also learned how a new experience like that can really shake you up. I've been feeling this really fucked up settling feeling, shifting in a way i did NOT like because i felt like a snowglobe that all the little sparkles were finally starting to just sink dully to the bottom. Today definitely gave my snowglobe a shake. All the things that were bothering me before are fine now. I mean, i could have drowned. whatever else is going on, it's okay.
I don't think i've ever felt as down-to-earth in my life. The weird thing is I've been getting the visual in my head for a long time now of me saying goodbye to my friends and jumping off of a cliff into the water. When I went to the quarry today it didn't even occur to me until after that in a way that vision came true. Crazy stuff man.
NON-QUARRY RELATED LESSON:
My best friend is really into astrology. I am a Virgo, and she was telling me today that the meaning of the sign of Virgo is all about becoming complete in your individuality so you can put yourself out into the world. i realized that i need to focus on working on myself and becoming satisfied with who I am instead of trying to find ways for other people to complete me, like relationships. A relationship would be pointless for me right now because i feel the NEED to be in a relationship. And how far can a relationship really go if it's based on a need? What if the guy I was with stopped giving me the needs I was depending on him for? Depending on someone else to make you happy, as we're all told at some point, is fruitless. It's okay to have that kind of learning experience, but the real beauty of a relationship isn't possible unless both people are ready for it. And right now, i can see that it would be much more satisfying to love myself than to cling to someone else.
I hope this helps somebody!!!!
Now for the story:
I took my best friend to the quarries today, I was told that when you land in the water from the cliffs, you pretty much start floating back up as soon as you get underwater, but i didn't. Everyone else had stayed underwater for only a second, but i know i was under for much longer than that. To make matters even more interesting, i had screamed the most sincere scream of my life on the way down and was fresh out of air, and my mouth was open so I felt like I had water in my lungs or something, or maybe it came in through my nose, I don't know, but DAMN! I kept waiting for my head to break through the surface of the water but it didn't I wasn't sure if I was floating up or sinking. All I knew was that i really, really needed to breathe and I wasn't sure how much longer i could hold it. and then, just like that, i felt the air on my face and breathed, and coughed, and wheezed my way back to the shore. Everyone was staring at me. Someone told me later they thought I was drowning, but no one did anything. I'm not sure if they would have if I was in serious trouble. I guess people die there a lot.
Word of advice: Start from smaller cliffs first even if you feel like an idiot. It's not worth scaring the crap out of yourself for.
But today definitely takes the cake.
Details of what happened will be at the bottom of this post so that you can see the point of this blog right away. But to make a long story short, I jumped off a cliff into a lake today from about 30 feet high, wasn't prepared, inhaled water, freaked out, and thought I was going to drown.
Then I lost my keys and a friend had to drop off my spare keys for me, and I wouldn't have been able to contact them if a girl hadn't let me borrow her phone. Thank god she did. Seriously. No one knew where I was except the friend I had taken with me.
After I caught my breath as I finally began the drive home, the essence of the day finally sunk in. And I realized some of the most significant things of my life.
Even if your worst fears come true, you'll still be okay.
Drowning and heights had never really been my biggest fears, but in the moment I was experiencing them, they were. And in this moment, I am okay. I made it. I'm safe. And now when I think about my real biggest fears - including being sent to live in an insane asylum and becoming a housewife - i'm no longer gripped with the same horror. I know I could take it, that I would make it, that even if it was terrible, I would be capable of thinking and finding a way out - or making peace. I know that I would be okay.
I also learned how a new experience like that can really shake you up. I've been feeling this really fucked up settling feeling, shifting in a way i did NOT like because i felt like a snowglobe that all the little sparkles were finally starting to just sink dully to the bottom. Today definitely gave my snowglobe a shake. All the things that were bothering me before are fine now. I mean, i could have drowned. whatever else is going on, it's okay.
I don't think i've ever felt as down-to-earth in my life. The weird thing is I've been getting the visual in my head for a long time now of me saying goodbye to my friends and jumping off of a cliff into the water. When I went to the quarry today it didn't even occur to me until after that in a way that vision came true. Crazy stuff man.
NON-QUARRY RELATED LESSON:
My best friend is really into astrology. I am a Virgo, and she was telling me today that the meaning of the sign of Virgo is all about becoming complete in your individuality so you can put yourself out into the world. i realized that i need to focus on working on myself and becoming satisfied with who I am instead of trying to find ways for other people to complete me, like relationships. A relationship would be pointless for me right now because i feel the NEED to be in a relationship. And how far can a relationship really go if it's based on a need? What if the guy I was with stopped giving me the needs I was depending on him for? Depending on someone else to make you happy, as we're all told at some point, is fruitless. It's okay to have that kind of learning experience, but the real beauty of a relationship isn't possible unless both people are ready for it. And right now, i can see that it would be much more satisfying to love myself than to cling to someone else.
I hope this helps somebody!!!!
Now for the story:
I took my best friend to the quarries today, I was told that when you land in the water from the cliffs, you pretty much start floating back up as soon as you get underwater, but i didn't. Everyone else had stayed underwater for only a second, but i know i was under for much longer than that. To make matters even more interesting, i had screamed the most sincere scream of my life on the way down and was fresh out of air, and my mouth was open so I felt like I had water in my lungs or something, or maybe it came in through my nose, I don't know, but DAMN! I kept waiting for my head to break through the surface of the water but it didn't I wasn't sure if I was floating up or sinking. All I knew was that i really, really needed to breathe and I wasn't sure how much longer i could hold it. and then, just like that, i felt the air on my face and breathed, and coughed, and wheezed my way back to the shore. Everyone was staring at me. Someone told me later they thought I was drowning, but no one did anything. I'm not sure if they would have if I was in serious trouble. I guess people die there a lot.
Word of advice: Start from smaller cliffs first even if you feel like an idiot. It's not worth scaring the crap out of yourself for.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
breakthroughs
Tonight I made two important discoveries. The first one was that I can let go of this urgent need to feel connected to other people and just be satisfied with being myself, and how this is so incredibly satisfying. Not completely there yet but it's a step in a direction that feels right.
The second is bound to change me drastically, at least in the way I live my life internally. The discovery I was gifted was that my mind is not enough to figure everything out. My life path, my mission, my truth, won't come just from my mind itself. I can't think my way onto my path and destiny. I'm starting to understand the true meaning of surrender.. at least at a different level than before. It's becoming a reality.
I've been putting a lot of stress on myself over the last few years or so trying to delve into myself and understand everything and get to the root of things and figure out what i was supposed to be doing and where i'm supposed to be. It's gotten me to a really incredible place in my life and it feels right, it feels wonderful. yet i haven't figured out anything that i had set out to. i have a few vague ideas that came from actually exploring different things, but not from the thinking itself, you know?? Bottom line is that it's time for me to surrender to the powers that be and flow with life instead of constantly trying to make things happen. Let the thinking part come naturally instead of forcing it. now it's time to let things fall into place.
I also realized today that i now have the rest of my life to do whatever i want, and there is absolutely nothing stopping me.
The second is bound to change me drastically, at least in the way I live my life internally. The discovery I was gifted was that my mind is not enough to figure everything out. My life path, my mission, my truth, won't come just from my mind itself. I can't think my way onto my path and destiny. I'm starting to understand the true meaning of surrender.. at least at a different level than before. It's becoming a reality.
I've been putting a lot of stress on myself over the last few years or so trying to delve into myself and understand everything and get to the root of things and figure out what i was supposed to be doing and where i'm supposed to be. It's gotten me to a really incredible place in my life and it feels right, it feels wonderful. yet i haven't figured out anything that i had set out to. i have a few vague ideas that came from actually exploring different things, but not from the thinking itself, you know?? Bottom line is that it's time for me to surrender to the powers that be and flow with life instead of constantly trying to make things happen. Let the thinking part come naturally instead of forcing it. now it's time to let things fall into place.
I also realized today that i now have the rest of my life to do whatever i want, and there is absolutely nothing stopping me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
WELCOME!
I'm so glad to finally be starting this blog. I've been meaning to for a long time. I'm not sure what will come of it. My intention is to create a space for people to really get into themselves and the world for deeper understanding on every level, looking at things from every angle. Mainly, I want to give people who want to get off their mind-couches a place to do so.
Other than that, whatever comes of this blog is great. There are no rules here. I ask for everyone to be as honest and unrestricted as possible, and to say what you really actually mean - the internal voice that's yours and not your mothers or something - it's not a stage to see who's the smartest or some crazy shit like that. I don't care if you're smart or not. I care that you share with us exactly how you see a certain situation because it's probably a lot more true than you ever realized.
I'm in a crunch for time right now so I'll post some topics later. Until then, lots of love!
Other than that, whatever comes of this blog is great. There are no rules here. I ask for everyone to be as honest and unrestricted as possible, and to say what you really actually mean - the internal voice that's yours and not your mothers or something - it's not a stage to see who's the smartest or some crazy shit like that. I don't care if you're smart or not. I care that you share with us exactly how you see a certain situation because it's probably a lot more true than you ever realized.
I'm in a crunch for time right now so I'll post some topics later. Until then, lots of love!
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